| Even your emotions have an echo in so much space. |
[25 Jan 2010|03:22am] |
I never thought losing someone that I barely knew would be this hard. I guess that's the thing..I did know him. I just thought I didn't. I know that he is way too scared to tell anyone when he is hurting. I know he writes hilarious stories that are amazingly creative. He writes clever songs. He wants to travel. All over. He wants to live in a city. He has an awkward smile when he's nervous, but an amazing smile, nonetheless. He never lets on to anyone how sick he actually is. He tries hard, but he doesn't get enough credit.
All everyone keeps telling me is that it's not my fault. But I don't know what happened. There was absolutely no reason behind him leaving. None. All he said was, "I'm no longer talking to you." Just the night before, he told me he loved me. And he's stuck to his word. He has not talked to me. Period. Except to thank me for telling him Happy Birthday back in November. There's no reason for him to ignore my phone calls. Or my texts. Or my messages. When I need him the most he suddenly isn't there. He was my best friend.
No one realizes how terribly this is eating at my insides. No one understands how terribly I need him. When the wind blows just right or the temperature is perfect. My pillow smelled like him for a month after he left. The letters I keep finding that he wrote me. All over the place. In my glove compartment. In my math book. The pictures. The games. The songs. The vinyls.
I'm scared to death.
I'm so tired of being scared. I don't want to be scared anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I don't want to cry or get frustrated or angry about this. I don't want to think about this. Period.
On top of it, I think I'm relapsing with my bipolar. Again. This just happened last semester. It cannot happen this semester, too. I will completely lose my financial aid. I cannot pay for college on my own. I just want to graduate and be done with it. Why isn't this medicine working? Why isn't it doing what it's supposed to be doing?
I refuse to go back to counseling. Refuse.
I've been talking to Tori. She's amazing. Today, she told me not to fall for her too fast because she doesn't want to hurt me.
Last December, Melissa told me she would never hurt me. That she couldn't hurt me. Michael hurt me more than anyone in my life ever has. Melissa is a close third, Jenna being the second. I don't like hearing the words, "I don't want to hurt you." I always, always get hurt.
I want someone who is going to scare the shit out of me and surprise me every moment of every day. Someone unpredictable. Someone who can make my heart skip beats and bring the butterflies back.
I miss the butterflies.
I don't want to survive. I want to live.
I'm exhausted.
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[23 Jun 2008|03:50am] |
I was going through my journal, because I was going to delete some of them. I had quite the mouth for awhile. Learning that swearing doesn't get you anywhere is a pretty good feeling.
But I was also looking through my old posts, and I was thinking about who I was a year ago and who I am now. I don't even feel like that person anymore. I'm not that person anymore. I was a terrible person, and people have a right to hate me. Which is why I can't wait to go to college. I can make a whole new start to who I am because I am not that person anymore. And I really used to think that no one could really change for good. Until I met me. Which sounds totally stupid. It's so true, though. I did not know who I was until less than six months ago.
I also haven't cried in a really long time. I haven't been upset in a really long time. I mean, I cried a little bit this morning because my head hurt so bad that I could barely stand to breathe. But crying for a reason that I brought on myself is something that I have not done for a really long time. I mended a lot of things between people I didn't really treat how I should've. I tell the truth 100% of the time now instead of just 85% of the time. I FEEL like an adult instead of just legally being one.
The only thing that's holding me back is this one thing that I've known forever, that I've never told anyone. That I've been covering up since I can remember, and it wasn't fair to those people. And I need to tell them, which is what I'm working up to. Apologizing. Well..apologizing to one of them. Because the other one, honestly, I could care less what happens to them. I know that doesn't make much sense considering what I just went on about, but if you knew what this person did to me..and anyone else for that matter..you would understand, too. I just hope that this person changes and grows up a bit or they're going to live a really sad life. And give someone else a scary life for that matter.
I want change so bad, but I'm so afraid of it. I'm excited and scared to go to college, as I'm sure everyone is. I know it's not any different for me to go to college than it is for anyone else..but it's me. And I'm not anyone else. I'm excited to not go to school 7 hours a day 5 days a week. To take classes that are actually going to matter in the career that I choose. To meet new people and show people who I am now. To get out and do something and not sit at home all the time. The campus is pretty decent sized so even if I have nothing to do and don't feel like being in my dorm, I can still walk around campus. I can still get out and do something. There is so much stuff really close to the campus. I'm scared to leave, but I'd be too scared to stay.
Ah, I don't know. I hate saying "what if" but I really wish I wouldn't have wasted so much time when I was younger. I needed to learn earlier to stop caring what people thought about me. Things would be quite a bit different now. But they weren't different and I didn't stop caring. So now I have to deal with what was thrown at me and take it and run. Because I made out pretty well compared to some kids.
I'm going to bed.
GUDNITEZ.
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[21 Jun 2008|10:48pm] |
I think I need a vacation or something. June is making me miss South Carolina and big cities. I don't care that it took us 23 hours to get there, and before getting to the condo we had to stay in a semi-creepy hotel and all share one room. Ohio gets really boring after 18, almost 19 years. BG isn't as small, but it's definitely not considered a city. It's better than this town, though.
I feel like today went really fast. I worked 9 to 5 and I guess so much went on there that it just flew by. We are getting a new resident, so he's doing weekend stays. We currently have 6 residents (minus him) and one of them was at his parents' house this weekend. This new resident is not ready (or too ready..) to move in the house that I work in. He's rude and doesn't think he has to follow the rules. And I understand that he's new and needs to be told the rules, but every time we try to tell him the rules he argues them and says we should change them. But the house rules are not rules we made up. They're state rules. While all of this was going on the girl that lives down in the apartment was not listening to anything anyone had to say. I went down to start TS's laundry with him, and she went out of the apartment, to the main floor and got two handfuls of sour cream. (BTW, this girl is autistic and blind and only semi-verbal.) She ate one of the handfuls of sour cream, and I got to her before she got the other one. But she went up to the kitchen THREE times. And then when I was down there and sitting on the couch, she pinned me down. So I just went back upstairs for the rest of my shift, checked on her frequently, and helped out upstairs because they really needed it.
So then I came home and took a 3 hour nap because I have not been sleeping. I hate taking naps because I always wake up more tired. But I need the naps I'm taking. I really have not been sleeping enough. Hm. When I woke up my brother asked me if I would take him to get food. My parents always go to this mexican restaurant. And it makes me really really sick every time I eat it so I stopped going. So I took Matt to Wendy's and then I went and got Subway because fast food grosses me out. Soo then I came home and got online.
I haven't been very productive. But I'm so excited for college orientation. I'm glad I don't have to stay in the dorms with my mom during orientation though. Living close to the college has some advantages I suppose.I'm just so ready for the next chapter of my life to start. I'm sure I'm going to miss this one, but I'm done with all the BS. I'm ready for a whole new set of problems. I just feel like I'm dealing with the exact same thing day after day and I'm ready for that to be over. So hopefully it will be better. And I get to take classes that actually mean something that I'm going to enjoy. I'm excited to be an art major because I'll finally get to be around real people. (Hopefully).
This is long enough and I always feel like I never say what I want to.
Hm. Off to watch more videos, I guess. (:
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[04 Jun 2008|11:48pm] |
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third eye blind-wounded |
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its 1148pm and i miss her like hell. and i can't sleep..not that i've tried. i know that i'm not going to be able to if i try. ugh.
i'm in a weird mood. i don't know. i'm not really happy but i'm not really sad. i'm not angry or frustrated. i'm just...blank i guess. my grandma passed away yesterday.i'm not as upset as i thought i would be. i know it sounds horrible. but she has been in so much pain for so long that if she lived much longer i'd feel bad. and i hate that i feel that way but it's true. if you'd see the pain she went through you'd understand, too. when i still worked there i had to watch her slowly slip away. she'd tell me stories from when she was younger, and you could tell that she was there. that she was back when she was younger, that she was in the past and not the present. but she needed to be in the present because that's where her body was. the funeral is on saturday and the showing is on friday. and i'm kind of scared to go because i'm going to be expected to cry. and be really sad when i'm actually okay with it because she's better now.and that's all i wanted this whole time..to be better.
jenna is reading the perks of being a wallflower to me right now and i realized how much i miss this book. it's so honest. and it makes me feel a lot less alone in the world. and i always need to feel a lot less alone because i always feel so alone. and i don't like feeling alone.
there's a lot of things i want to change about me, and the way i feel is one of them. i wish i could change the way i feel. i really do wish i could change the way i feel. i think too much and i feel too much and i don't like it. and i feel so many different things at so many different times and i can never keep one of them in time. and i fall back and feel the beating of my heart to make sure that i'm still alive...because sometimes i really do need to know that i'm still alive because i can't feel it. my feet spin and my head spins and i can't feel that i'm there. i feel like i'm somewhere far away..somewhere bad.
and all the time i keep thinking about how much i hate growing up.
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[03 Jun 2008|02:31pm] |
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 crappy |
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bomb the music industry-jobs schmobs |
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i honestly completely forgot about this journal.
how ridiculous of me.
i graduated on sunday!!!!
i'm so excited. i got almost 500 dollars and a bunch of shit for college. which is exciting because it really is stuff that i needed.
i even got towels with my name on them! (:
i'm so tireddd. jenna came this week. (: i just took her to the airport today and have been crying and sleeping since because i miss her. and i think her phone went dead because she hung up on me and then i couldn't get ahold of her. but i know she forgot to charge it last night. so her mom called me and asked if i had talked to her and i told her what happened. she told me if she heard from her first she'd let me know. and that she'd have her call me from her phone as soon as she picked her up from the airport. i told her i'd do the same if i heard from her. i tracked her flight and she's in detroit right now, and should be flying out to philly anytime.
i'm pretty worried about her.
anyway, i think that's all i really have. leave me comments so i can remember this journal and not neglect it again. :P
peace.
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[22 Jun 2007|11:05pm] |
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cute is what we aim for |
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and did you, did you hear that i'm so charming?
okayyy. so i just got back from south carolina. and the beach is amazing. just sayin, though. [:
the mountains were beautiful. the salt water stung my eyes (haha).
i would have to say my favorite states to drive through were virginia and north carolina.
but i'm glad to be home. [: eventually ill put some pictures up, kapiesch?
for now leave me comments and stuff because i never post here.
i love you guys. <3
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[21 Apr 2007|01:22pm] |
Last night was a lot of fun. [:
Right after school I cleaned up the house a little, and mom took me to Defiance to get a dress.I found a blue one and shoes. And then we went to Applebees for dinner. After that I drove home, and went to Spengler's to meet Rachel there. When we were done at Spengler's we went to Dale's.
We went downstairs and Dale and Cale were trying to figure out who I was. Haha. We were going to watch a movie, and we started watching it. But then Amy asked if Rachel and I wanted to walk to Sterlings with her to get her dad a paper. So we did and I got Cappuccino. Rachel got hot chocolate. We went back to Dale's house and were going to finish the movie, but didn't feel like it. So we left Dale, Cale and Janelle in the basement, and went up stairs and played poker with Kristen, Josh, JC, Glen(they kept calling him Jimmy? haha), Carol, Anna, and then Me, Rachel and Amy. I only won poker when I sat under the table and played? Because i'm amazing. I didn't even know how to play poker. Then we went back downstairs and just sat around until 11 when I left.
Prom is tonight. I got my hair done at 10 this morning. It looks pretty good. I am putting off painting my nails and I have no idea why. heh. My sister and I ate at Subway for lunch today. Rachel is picking me up at 4 tonight. Then we're going to Amy's. And then we're leaving for Prommmmm. [:
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| Sidewalks and streetlights, you're clutching your suitcase. |
[28 Dec 2006|06:46pm] |
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chilly |
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Houston Calls-Amtrak Is For Lovers |
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I'm fighting with broken eyes, we'll take the long way home.
I'm jealous of streetlights, 'cause they're all that clings to you.
I'm not completely sure if I like who I am yet. I'm not really sure what any of this means.
It's just like winter in this room. The air is cold and bitter and my sheets are lonely, too. This bed is far too big for me alone. So save me because this isn't where I want to be.
So I have you. And I worked really hard for it. And I was really good and I did my best in everything. And I got you. But now that I have you, I don't know what to do. I never know what to say to you. And anything I say wouldn't even take your breath away. I promised myself I would stop trying so hard. All it's doing is pushing you away, anyway. I don't really get mad at you. I just get frustrated. I'm afraid to tell you things because i'm afraid of your reaction. We used to be able to talk for hours on the phone. And now it's like you just want me off the phone as soon as you can. You only want to be there if there's something to say. Because silence isn't enough for you. But sometimes just hearing you breathe makes everything feel alright. That's something I couldn't tell you because I know you would think I was completely insane. I'm afraid of what you think of me and if i'm good enough for you. I'm afraid of what you'll say in silence, when there's nothing else to say. I'm afraid that i'm not good enough for you. I'm afraid of how unsure I am. I'm afraid of doing something that i'm going to regret doing later. I'm afraid of thinking all the wrong things. You scare the hell out of me.
I don't know if you were just a little less intimidating before. Whether you realize it or not, you're in control of this. Because you really don't have to worry about losing me at all. I'm not going anywhere. But it's only a matter of time before you realize there's better than me out there. I don't see anything better than you. You're all i've got. I get mad at you because sometimes I don't think you realize what you're doing. It may not be big things. But there's still little things there. But don't expect us to never fight. Because if we never fought, then it would be a really bad relationship. And there would be no point in it whatsoever. No one's relationships are perfect. But they can be pretty damn close.
And right now, I think that you're the most perfect person i've ever met.
I love you.
For everything you are, and everything you aren't. And all of your perfections and imperfections. You mean the world to me.
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| I hope you're as happy as you're pretending. |
[01 Oct 2006|06:13pm] |
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The Legion Of Doom-The Quiet Screaming |
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I haven't updated in like...a month. God I rock.
Last night was homecoming. Which was so much fun. Except that I sat out every slow dance, and never got asked once. Haha except that I did dance with Kelly one slow dance, and it was the first girl we had ever danced with for both of us, so we decided that we were eachother's firsts. Kelly, Nikki, Mike, Pooter, Sabrina and I ended up sitting between the pool rope thingies, eating straight (and gay!) pretezels, caramel corn and drinking punch that the freshmen were all convinced was spiked. And talking and laughing. At one point, Nikki and I were planning on streaking around the building, and then decided there were probably teachers outside. Maybe even cops. So then we were thinking about going skinny dipping. But decided someone would notice us sneaking through the locker rooms, and that the pool would probably be dark. Not to mention freezing. So everyone stayed clothed.
Friday night we lost our game to Fremont Ross. And everyone was afraid we were going to get shot. Because the year before last year, someone from Fremont Ross brought a gun. And then last year they threw full pop bottles at our heads as we were mearching out of their stadium. But this coming friday is Sandusky and it's an away game. And i'm so excited because I love long bus rides. Especially with the band. They're seriously the most fun people ever to be with. Except when people are acting like they're three years old. Then it's not fun.
So I keep having these scary dreams. And in these dreams, i'm either:
A.Being chased by this guy that I can never see his face. I just know he's trying to kill me.
or
B.Being burned alive. Only it never gets to the burning part. I always escape.
I never actually get hurt or killed. People are just trying to hurt or kill me. And I have no idea what's going on. Nothing really bad is bothering me. I'm actually the kind of person that believes in the 'if you turn over your pillow you have a different dream' thing. So i'm rearranging my room tonight and switching my pillows around. Anything that will make bad dreams go away. I need sleep so bad.
So guess what. I have pictures. Not from homecoming yet. But I do have pictures from random things. But, I got excited. Because I was told at homecoming that I looked like a fairy. (:
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/192051704.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> TOLEDOOOO
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/192051694.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> The front path way thingy to my house. Nikki, Jenny and I got really bored one night haha.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/192051689.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com">
MARCUSSSS
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/192051685.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> My belt. (:
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/192051675.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> ALEXES! And Harly D. Queer in the backkkk
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/191945984.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> The leaves are changingggg. (:
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/191944171.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> MY CAR! I love it so much. 91 Geo Storm =D
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/191944169.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> Nikki and I. I look like a douche.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/191944166.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> haha freezer pops at jenny's at like..11pm.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/191944163.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> uhhhhh....haha. and my teeth look crooked. yuck.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/191944160.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> curly hair. (:
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/178057524.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> Tommy. He's a ladies man. (:
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/174377190.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com">Ben from TBR.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/174374805.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> No one tried to give you what you need. Somebody oughta take you in. Try to make you love again. Try to make you like the way they feel, when they're under your skin.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/174373766.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> Oh baby Oh baby.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/174373747.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> Chucks. <s>spray painted</s> Real Gold.
<IMG SRC="http://pic20.picturetrail.com/VOL143/4611268/9665443/167968911.jpg" border="0" alt="Image Hosting by PictureTrail.com"> Sander The Great!
That's all I have until homecoming picturesssss. (:
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| The streets were wet, and the gate was locked. |
[27 Aug 2006|09:52pm] |
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Yellowcard-October Nights |
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Sooo things have been okay. School started Wednesday which actually wasn't very cool at all. But i'm kind of looking forward to this year. School isn't as bad as it was last year, and i'm really not falling asleep in any of my classes at all. Except Anatomy.
We'll start with band and the fact that I hate 90% of the sophomores and 85% of the freshmen. They honestly do not care about band, and need to fuck off. After the game Friday when we were cleaning the stadium I started getting pissed and yelling. Which is something I pretty much never do, and I felt like a complete ass. But you know what? I didn't care. They weren't doing anything. Our guard, for the third year in a row, does nothing. And it just gets annoying.
But Saturday I woke up feeling like complete shit. And I had to work 11-4. After that I went out for dinner with my mom, and worked on my art homework a little more. Then we went to the Wauseon wal mart, and I got The Fray-How To Save A Life. And oh my God. It's so amazing. After that I went home and did nothing.Well..I did finish my art.
Today I got up and my little brother and I went out for lunch. Then I worked from 4-6. Then I came home and walked Cali. And then hung out with Nikki. We're going job hunting on Tuesday. Yessss. And now I really need to go because I have school tomorrow. Goodnight. ♥
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| When they come to destroy the world, they'll have to get through you first. |
[22 Aug 2006|12:52pm] |
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Presidents Of the US-Lump |
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Jenny Retcher:
pro:Jeh-knee Reh-ch-er
Orig:United States
Def:Undefineable.
Syn:Amazing,Incredible,Gorgeous, Hilarious, Sweet, Indescribable
My lame attempt to define Jenny. But don't try this at home. Because your mind will explode at attempting to figure it out.
Jenny.You ARE amazing and talented.
So whenever you can't think of what you're talented at, go here.
Jenny's Talents.
-You are an amazing friend.
-You can always make me smile, no matter what.
-You have a way of making people feel worth it.
-You can make whatever we're doing fun.
-Your voice is so amazing. Like..not Grace's voice. You don't sound like her at all. Your voice is really pretty. Her's isn't once that's all you hear.
-You can write really well. I can't write unless i'm inspired, either.
-You can take pictures.
-You always have really good ideas.
Okay, so if that doesn't make you feel a little better, then I give up. I love you. (:
♥
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| Come tomorrow. Tomorrow i'll be gone. |
[17 Aug 2006|02:57pm] |
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The Caesers-Jerk It Out |
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I got my schedule!
1st semester:
1.Junior Lit & Composition-Mekus
2.Anatomy&Physiology-Abell
3.Study Hall-Abell
4.Algebra 1-Spiess
5.Band-Lesick
6.Art 1-Monnin
7.Wildcat Worker-Snoad
8.Gym 2-Burke
2nd Semester:
1.Junior Lit&Composition-Mekus
2.Anatomy&Physiology-Abell
3.Psychology-Stacey
4.Algebra 1-Spiess
5.Band-Lesick
6.Art 1-Monnin
7.Wildcat Worker-Snoad
8.Study Hall-Wilde
So yeah. The Abell person is new. And I wanna know who it is or what gender they are haha. But this is the first year that they didn't mess my schedule up. (:
I'm going to gooooo. I'm going back to the fair soon.
♥
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| I'll be running circles around you sooner than you know. |
[14 Aug 2006|09:53pm] |
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Eagle Eye Cherry-Save Tonight |
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So today was actually really good. The events of my day are as follows. (:
I got up at like...11. I started cleaning my room and stuff. And I don't remember what I did until like..2:30. But I went to work at 4. And we were completely not busy at all. So I got off at 6ish instead of 6:30.
At 7 something I left and went to the fair. Jenny and her mom were sitting right beside the popcorn booth in the grandstand. So I sat and talked to them for awhile. And then at almost 8 we went and walked around awhile. Then we left because I was going to take Jenny to Camron's. And she wanted to show me the pregnant kitty. So I stayed with her. We went up to Camron's room, and Andy was sitting in Camron's chair. And Jenny freaked out and screamed haha. And then Camron jumped out of the closet and she screamed more.
So we just kinda hung out for awhile. Then Camron and Andy walked to Family Video, and Jenny showed me Weebl and Bob stuff. We scared them with my car alarm haha. They were gone for awhile. And Nyaa was like..clawing at my butt. It was cute. So then Andy and Camron came back, and I had been looking for Jenny so I ran up the stairs and then Camron turned out the lights to freak Jenny out. And then Camron was throwing coins down her shirt and stuff. It was kinda funny because I was the only one that got one in. So then at like..945 Jenny and I left. And she went home to clean her room. And I came here. Buuut i'm pretty sure i'm going to the fair with her tomorrow. =D
And on Thursday i'm working in the information booth with her. I'm essitedddd.
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[14 Aug 2006|01:22am] |
can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
your best friend always sticking up for you, even when i know you're wrong.
can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance, five hour phone conversation
the best soy latte that you ever had, and me.
tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet?
did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day?
and head back toward the milky way
tell me did you sail across the sun
did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
and that heaven is overrated
tell me, did you fall for a shooting star?
one without a permanent star
and did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there.
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| The strands in your eyes, that color them wonderful. Stop me, and steal my breath. |
[09 Aug 2006|01:59am] |
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Matchbox 20-Push |
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The old yellow haunted house isn't haunted anymore.
The monster maze is gone.
The Rugrats aren't the Rugrats anymore.
The sandbox is gone.
They don't tuck me in every night.
They don't check for monsters anymore.
I'm usually the one tucking them in.
Daddy doesn't come home as much.
I remember the biggest thing I was scared of when I was little, was losing my mom and dad. Them not coming home. Something really bad happening to them. And now my biggest fear is them being around. It doesn't make any sense. I want the parents I used to have. I want my dad who told so many jokes I thought my sides were going to burst. I want my mom who used to be home to make me dinner, and tuck me in. And tell me that everything was okay. Who would lay in bed with me if I was crying. When I could do things right. I want those parents. I want that family.
The dolls are all packed up and in boxes.
The Minnie Mouse comfortor is in the extra blanket closet.
My biggest problem isn't a lemonade stand anymore.
I'm not sure if everything is going to be okay when I fall asleep.
I can't just pick a boy and hold his hand anymore.
My daddy isn't always home to tuck me in.
You can't get a best friend just by sharing your candy with them anymore.
Tears hurt now. They don't just sting.
You can't get a boy, by just writing "Check yes or no" anymore.
You aren't good enough for everyone anymore.
There's always someone better than you.
Bullies are a hell of a lot meaner.
Not absoutely everyone is your friend anymore.
Kissing isn't gross anymore.
And everyone is a little meaner. And only a few of us are the same people we were in pre school.
And only a few of us appreciate the stars and the rain and the sunsets. And every little thing about nature.
And everyone lives, and everyone dies.
And I think what i'm afraid of most, is growing up.
I found this on a poster in my speech class, and I almost cried reading it the first time. But it's really true. So here, i'm going to share it with you:
All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school.
These are the things I learned:
* Share everything.
* Play fair.
* Don't hit people.
* Put things back where you found them.
* Clean up your own mess.
* Don't take things that aren't yours.
* Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
* Wash your hands before you eat.
* Flush.
* Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
* Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
* Take a nap every afternoon.
* When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick together.
* Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
* Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.
* And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.
Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living.Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess.And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
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| I have a gigantic leaf! |
[06 Aug 2006|03:01pm] |
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Jenny talk. |
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JENNY IS BEING VERY MEAN.
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
JENNY RETCHER
RENNY JETCHER
XD This is a whole entry about JENNY RETCHER.
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| I wish he could fall in love. |
[03 Aug 2006|11:22pm] |
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 I miss him. |
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Say Anything-A Walk Through Hell |
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And i'd stand there like a soldier with my foot upon his chest.
With my grin spread and my arms out in my bloodstained Sunday's best,
And i'd hold you and remind you who you are under their shell.
I'd walk through hell for you. Let it burn right through my shoes.
These soles are useless without you.
Let the torturing ensue. My soul is useless without you
And if they sent a whirlwind, I'd hug it like a harmless little tree.
Or an earthquake, I'd calm it, and I'd bring you back to me.
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| What hurts the most, is being so close. |
[02 Aug 2006|01:21pm] |
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sore |
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The Spill Canvas-Staplegunned |
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What's an adventurer to do but rest these feet at home with you?
So all the sudden i'm in this "holy crap I have to think" mood. Which in a way isn't so bad. But it's making me miss Matt more and it really sucks kinda really bad.But I did get to stay at Nikki's last night which was really fun. She even wrote "Balls" on my forehead with eyeliner while I was sleeping. (:
Anyway, so i've figured a lot of things out this summer. I definitely have not had the amazing summer that I had last year. But i've started to figure out important things that I have to figure out sometime in my life. And here it is.
Everyone that has ever been in my life, has shaped who I am now. So i'm going to make a list of the people, and what they've done for me.
I'm going to start with Nikki, because she is my best friend ever. Nikki has made me realize that there's more to life than sitting at home and wishing something would happen. You have to go out and do something for it to happen. 5 years is quite a long time for me to hold a best friend without moving. And i'm so glad that we've spent 5 years causing as much trouble as we possibly can. I'd be lying if I said we've never fought or had bad times. But everything is okay after that. She's always been there for me when I needed her. She's an amazing person. I don't think words can describe her. I don't think that make words to describe this kid. It's because she is my other half. And we share a brain, even though we look like complete opposites. It's so awesome.We're going to grow up and live in Chicago, and live together. And we're going to make our couch out of pizza boxes. And we're going to order porn on Pay Per View just to freak out. And of course while we're watching the porn, we're going to wear sexy lingerie. And cover our heads with blankets so we don't have to watch it. This is the only kid that understands fat homeless men, fuzzy pink phones, the real miles, monster energy drinks, firm ponies, miracle grow, beer on my underwear, and anything else that has been said. I love you kid. ♥
My mother. There's a few different ways to approach this one.In a few, really weird, awkward ways, you've made me who I am. You've told me that you treat people how you think they should be treated. And it's made me realize that it's not like that. That you should treat people how you want to be treated. I know I haven't always respected you, but it's hard to respect someone when you can't even have a conversation without fighting. Because I am never right. I can't keep trying to be good enough for this family. I can't always try to be part of this family. Families should not have to come with this. You should not have to work to be part of a family. But that's how I feel. You make me feel like I am not good enough to be part of it. And I can't handle that. I don't think you understand this much, because when you were younger you had a family that loved you. That didn't hurt you emotionally or physically, and that instead of making you feel like you're a bad person for being wrong, you were always told that you were doing wrong, and someone always explained what you were doing. I don't get explainations. I get told i'm wrong, and that's the end of it. I get called a liar. I'm purpousely made to feel bad. And I can't keep being the punching bag for your stress. That's not what I am here for. And did you ever notice that i'm the only one out of the family that might be going somewhere someday? My sister threw her life away for a guy, and my brother can't keep grades good enough to pass the next grade. But i've always tried to make you proud. And it never seems good enough. So i'm sorry I can't be perfect like my sister. As much as we don't get along, I still love you. As unfair as it is for the things I do, or have to do, I hope i'm still making you proud. And I hope that someday you realize what i'm doing, and why i'm doing it. I hope that someday you understand me, Mom. The same way I want to understand why you do the things you do.
My daddy. He's quiet, shy, not very outgoing, and lets people push him around. And I feel so horrible for him. Because my dad is a really good person. But people influence him too easily, and he deserves so much more than that. He's hilarious, and so nice to me. And my friends. I just wish he was around more. He's almost always at work, and I hate it when he's gone. But I love him so much.
My sister. Until the age of 12, my sister and I were best friends. We did everything together. Until she was 14, and got other friends, and didn't want much to do with me anymore. She got a boyfriend, and we almost never got along. And when her and my mom fought, I always cried. I missed her so much. We played house and stuff all the time. And I missed that. So until just recently, pretty much since she graduated, we fought constantly. And that's all we ever did. She always thought she was in charge of everything I did. But now, I kinda like it. I like knowing that someone wants to take care of me. Because I missed that while she was growing up. And I never understood it. Until now I guess. Because in a way, i'm doing the same thing to my little brother. But my sister is so easy to talk to now. Even though her boyfriend is a complete ass, and she can do so much better, she still reminds me of the kid I used to play house with when I was little.
My little brother. He's so..different. He's weird, but he's funny as hell. Even though 99% of the time he pisses me off and I end up yelling at him because he's being a douche, he feels left out. And that's why he acts like that. For attention because he feels like no one wants him around. And I felt like that when I was 14, too. And I don't want anyone to feel like that. Even if it is my obnoxious little brother.
Jenny! Oh my God Jenny. You've done so much for me. When it was fucking midnight and I needed someone and you came to my house. And you made me feel so much better. And I appreciate you so much for everything you do. There aren't many words to put into who you are. You're a mix of so many different things, and you ended up meaning a lot to me. I feel like i've known you for so long. And I think it was incredibly awesome that we live 2 houses away. I think you're an amazing person, and I never want you to change. Because if you change, then you're not Jenny. And it's not worth not being Jenny. Because no one else will ever be like you. You're gorgeous, and funny, and caring, and sweet and so many other things that I can't hardly put into words. So thank you. ♥
Matthew. I am not even sure where to start. You are the first person that has given me butterflies. You mean so much to me. You act like such a hardass and you're not. At all. You're fucking..I don't know. My favorite. I can tell you that much. You're the only guy that's meant something like this to me. The only guy i've been able to keep a conversation for 5 hours. When we start out crying and then laugh. And even when you're completely incoherent, you can still make conversation. And you're so adorable. You always tell me that you love me, and to not forget it. Because someday, if I forget, I might not be here. And neither of us want that. And no one else could ever understand the hidden meaning behind camping. Or what a lumpy bump ACTUALLY is. Or why you can't be mean to your cat and tell me about it. Or when I yell at you for kiling bugs. Because it's mean. And you always say sorry for the shit you do. Even though you don't always mess up, you think you do. But you're so much better than what you think. Even if you can't make everything okay, you never fail to make me smile. I love you.Forever.
And last but not least, my Grandpa. You passed away at the age of 72. After being in wars and living through the depression. And somehow you were a happy man. You could make anyone smile. You gave me the same blue eyes as you. Only yours seemed a little brighter. You've been my hero since I can remember. You've always been proud of me. You always told me to be good. And that if I ate too many oranges my ears would curl. And i'm not going to lie, I believed you. You always made me feel like I should be here. Like there was a reason for me to be here. You told me war stories, and stories from when you were younger. And I always smiled. You were hilarious, and you never seemed sad. So when you got sick, I was confused. You didn't look sick. You still made me laugh. And then they did surgery, and they ruined who you were. And I hurt so bad after that. I wanted them to put you back. It's like..when they opened you up, they let out everything you were. And it was so unfair. I was so frustrated at them. I wanted them to just..disappear. I wanted you to be okay. I prayed everyday. I sat in the waiting room and prayed that I was dreaming. Or that you would be better. Or that there was a way that everything could be just fine. And then...just like that you were gone. And I was so scared. I held your hand when you told me you loved me. And when I was the last person you saw, you left. Just like that. As quick as you were here, you were gone. And I hated it. I hated almost everything for taking you away from me. But I realize now who you were. And how you helped me. And I want to tell you that I love you. I think you're so amazing. So thank you for protecting me and letting me know that I do matter. I know you're proud of me.
And that is pretty much everyone. There have always been people in my life. But these are the people that matter the most. So thank you.
♥
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